And Then It Hit Me: She’s Gone

My Grandma Near has been dying for a long time. With all those who love her wishing for her suffering to end. And then yesterday, it did. Finally going to that better place.  Wherever it may be.  Now, that she’s gone though, I can’t help but feel sad, lonely and achy.  No matter how long she was ill.  No matter how long she hasn’t been herself.  No matter what, she will always be my Grandma Near.  Grandma with the Pool.  Grandma who put margarine on my peanut butter sandwiches.  Grandma who called me dramatic and who I felt most comfortable being dramatic around.  Grandma with pride.  Grandma who worried and fretted and wanted everything to be perfect.  Grandma the cake maker.  Grandma who was surprised her family could be so boisterous.  Grandma who cared for us.  Grandma who lost herself slowly.  And my last Grandparent.

Earlier this week, while bracing for the loss, I couldn’t help but think; if my Momma buys my socks at Xmas who buys hers?  If my Papa B is my comic barometer, who is it he tries to crack up?  I feel how badly they want to take care of me, but who will take care of them?  Everything in this whole wide world spins around, ever-changing, ever staying the same.  It’s my turn to show them how brave I can be.  How brave they’ve taught me to be.  It is my turn to be leaned on, and I am ready for the responsibility.  This is my first chance to be a the pillar of strength with a comforting embrace.  Part of me thinks that my parents want me to fall apart, that it would give them a job.  A task to put me back together.  An outlet for their emotions and a chance to shift their focus from the sadness they don’t want to feel.  But I want them to feel like they are cared for, that I am here for them.  That it is okay to be cared for, for once.

After spending the day snuggled up with my Hubby and Puppa, with sporadic visits from the Bucy, I can admit I am sad.  But this sadness doesn’t feel as bad as the fear.  I fear the day when I will lose my parents.  I fear the day that I will be saying goodbye to someone who doesn’t know me.  I am scared of being an adult orphan.  I worry about missing a chance to prove they’ve done a good job with me.  I worry about taking the daily grind for granted.  Forgetting the important things.  I remember my Grandma Near saying: Yesterday, I was 22 and today I am a 22-year-old in this old-broken-down body. Time flies, even when you’re not having any fun.  So, today I thought I would remind you just how important it is to love. It’s all you really need.  And wherever you are; na-night Grandma, it’s time for a big sleep ❤