I found a broken vase one day. It wasn’t shattered, it was fractured with a little missing chip. Otherwise, it’s a perfectly beautiful vase. The price tag was still stuck to the bottom. That beautiful, now broken vase would’ve cost me $85…Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t have $85 for a vase. I don’t have the budget or the space for fresh flowers daily. I don’t use the vase very often, but the thought of this beautiful hand moulded white clay going to waste just because of a fracture; well, it was too much. So, I picked it up and carried it home. Glueing the fracture and taking good care of it. I see it everyday, but I don’t use it. Sometimes, I feel like that vase.
There are so many things I own that I don’t use. I know these things can’t feel the pain of disuse. They don’t get frustrated or stiff from laying around in a drawer. I’m not a crazy person who assigns personalities to all the objects in her house. But I can’t help feeling like each of those useless-to-me items would be happier in the company of someone who wants to use them. Which is how I feel. I feel like I have been in a drawer too long. Waiting for someone to remember I am there and take me out to play with me. Give me an assignment. Help me feel useful again. It feels like so long since I have been useful. Even though I have been working on so many projects, they’re all only a third of the way done. And they’re just hanging over my head.
In the last month I have only worked on my own things. They aren’t selfish things, but they are my things none the less. And none of them are finished. Nothing is even close. Everything is a work in progress. It’s all stuck in drawers. Tossed in bags. Edges curling, I am picking at them. But like my empty vase, I haven’t felt that much needed sense of accomplishment. It’s hard to forge ahead when I know things won’t get done for oh-so-very long and with oh-so-very much more work. I need to feel like a useful thing. I need progress. I need to mark daily achievements. I want to go to bed with a sense of daily accomplishment. What I want is for someone to see my price tag and realize what I’m worth; even though I need a little glue. And maybe I’ll get some fresh flowers, so at least one of us things can be fulfilled.