After yesterday’s blog comment I took Cathy’s advice. I sat in the bathroom, staring into the mirror, assuring myself that I was in fact validated. Then I was intrigued. Then I started making faces. Which of course spiralled down into a rough mish-mash of impersonations that even I have trouble identifying. Hubby’s Momma used to say the mirror was childhood-Hubby’s BFF. They would spend hours together getting the kiss curl just right. I on the other hand have always had trouble seriously looking at myself. The mirror is a tool that can be used for preservation and destruction; it’s all in how you see it.
The mirror taunts me for so many reasons. My whole family picks. We pick, prod, pluck and scratch…We especially love when things have a core. It’s like a beautifully printed invitation to a gruesome event, begging to be attended. With this background, it’s understandable that I may not be a big fan of seeing every bump, hair or pore. So, I avoid extreme close-ups and magnifying mirrors. Which by the way are the worst mirrors, they scream: This is how you would look as an ugly giant! Then there’s the gym. The entire wall is mirrors. I watch as a full length version of myself does awkward dance moves badly. Parts are faked and the rest is my muscle memory, which has long since forgotten everything. It is not my favourite show, but I think it’s at least getting more interesting to watch. And there’s way less anxiety that I am going to fall down, though that threat will always exist.
But that wasn’t my goal for today. My choice was to tell myself I was worthy of looking in this mirror and seeing the person I am. The girl others see. Pieces of a stereotype, Princess and Superhero. Glimpses of the Green Eyed Vixen and Wifey. I start to see the girl staring back at me; she looks smart and funny with a lop-sided smile. I should do my best for her. Of course, I could choose to be lazy, selfish and ignorant, but I don’t like the way those traits look. And if I have to stand the sight of myself, I better choose wisely. The mirror can’t lie. And as my impersonation of Danny DeVito tries to say: “All I know is the choices you make dictate the life you lead. “To thine own self be true.”” Okay, so it’s Danny and Billy, Shakespeare that is.