For as long as I can remember I’ve had anticipation anxiety resulting in disastrous disappointment. I would get excited about a birthday party, school play or family vacation. Only to be let down. Now, these weren’t awful occasions, it’s just that the real thing never achieved the glorious heights my imagination had projected. The no longer hopeful me would sit poolside with her big fat pouty lip hanging out. Harumfing out my candles. And taking a curtain call with tears in my eyes. Now, looking back, I can see just how much I was missing by being a disappointed Dolly. Hindsight is 20/20, at least that’s what they say. But I think my mind’s eye is more like 50/20 and maybe even clairvoyant.
Now, I am not saying I am a psychic…well, at least not entirely. There are gaps of missing information, certain facts I don’t posses. I mean c’mon! How, could I know what I don’t know…ya know? But I am learning how to logically and clinically project possible outcomes for each experience, both new and familiar. Since, I know how I react to knowing; how the knowledge breeds expectation. I’ve altered my approach. Lately, I’ve been trying to keep myself in the dark. Flying without strict plans toward an anticipated end goal. Going with the flow. Hubby’s not a big fan of No Plan, but BFF’s easy going enthusiasm compensates for that. Also, Hubby’s plans typically involve food, a threatening resurgence of the Commish and walking Jilly, each of these situations arise daily. They aren’t much to anticipate, not to say they aren’t Amazing! (Oh, I hope the Commish isn’t reading this) Fun, however…planning straight up, no holes barred fun, makes me anxious. There in lies the rub. I am so focused on making each outing a memorable and momentous one, I am missing the mini-wins and letting my mega-mind interrupt.
Anxiety has become a clinical affliction. The heart pounding, chest tightening, pressured feeling that waves over the body. A dizzy, darkness closing in, forcing us to self-medicate. Anticipating the worst. Hey! Most things at their worst are still good, maybe even great. What me worry? I know I do. But, everyday I remind myself that all we have is today. I breathe deeply through yoga poses. I stretch and challenge myself. I sing. I snuggle Boots and the Bean. I kiss the Commish- against my better judgement. And I laugh, hard. Please remember that just because something is not what you hoped, dreamed and planned doesn’t mean it’s not perfect. That goes for me too. Until I practice what I blog, I’ll wish on all the stars for inner peace. HA! The closest I’ve come to peace is acceptance. But I’m pretty sure that’s the first step.